Wine

Since I quit smoking, I've given up beer and have switched to wine. Let me just say -- wine is fantastic. I think my new favorite sound is the pop when one pulls the cork from the bottle. (Although many of the wines I drink feature twist off caps, because I ball pretty hard.) I don't much care for white wine, although, trust me, I'll drink it. Red wine is really where it's at. Pinot Noir, Cabernet, Merlot, it really doesn't matter, I'll drink them all.

Last night, my evening ended with my drinking the wine straight from the bottle, because the glasses were in another room and really, what's the point (to be fair, at this point, I was quite drunk). Today, I was treated to a massive hangover. Beer never did that to me. But I think this just proves wine is the more adult beverage. She's telling me, "Straight from the bottle? Come on now. Are you hobo? Do you carry all your possessions in a handkerchief tied to the end of stick that you unpack each night when you sleep in your Hooverville? No, you don't. Get a glass." Beer simply allows you to chug with no repercussions. Well, guess what, buddy? Life ain't like that. Vino... she's a tough ol' broad, but damn if I don't love her.

I'd like to hear a funny story...

Most of my friends have heard this story, but I'd like to throw it out in the internet ether, where no one will read it. It's the story of the drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.

So, while out with some friends a few years ago, I was drinking. We began by drinking pomegranate vodka and Champagne. This drink, while sounding quite girly, actually packs quite a punch. And, with most alcoholic drinks that are sweet, I simply pound the shit out of them. "I've had two in the past 10 minutes and I'm still not drunk. Weak! Let's have another!" Yeah, I'm an idiot sometimes.

Anyway, we drink those respective bottles, then head to the bar, where we proceed to drink more beer and shots. While at the bar, a girl who we are with takes my keys because, surprise surprise, I'm fucking hammered. I say this not to brag or sound all fratastic, but rather as a statement of fact -- just loaded.

Fast forward a few hours later back at my friend's apartment. I reach into my pocket to take stock of the various things I've stuffed into them throughout the night (I have an odd habit of putting random things in my pockets -- not shit that I'm stealing or anything, but receipts, bottlecaps, and random things that most people would throw away but I tend to hold onto). So, I'm pulling these things out of my pockets when I realize, I don't have my car keys. Being drunk, I had forgotten giving my keys to this girl (she and the guy she was with had left, but she had given the keys to another friend, and they were with him at the apartment). I pull all this shit out my pockets and look at my friend sitting out the couch.

Now, in my mind, I wanted to tell my friend, "Hey, I appear to have misplaced my car keys. Did I leave them at the bar? Did they somehow fall out of my pocket? Obviously, I'll need those tomorrow when I drive home. I want to make sure I didn't somehow lose them." But, being shithoused, I looked at him, held out my phone and random trash and said, "thisalligot." He just looks at me. "thisalligot!" He begins laughing, because I'm holding trash and a phone, shrugging, and muttering this nonsensical word. "thisalliGOT!" Now I'm getting pissed. Why doesn't he understand exactly what I mean? He's just laughing, harder and harder the more I get pissed off. Fuck this, I'm calling my then-girlfriend to come pick me up. I open my phone.

My phone had had a crack in the LCD screen for some time. It started small, but grew to the point where I couldn't read texts because it took up half the screen. This had been there for about a month, but for whatever reason, seeing this crack at this particular moment pissed me the fuck off. "This is bullshit!" I exclaimed, and threw my phone against the wall, shattering it. "Fuck this, I'm walking." This walk is about 7 miles, from where I was at to my house. But when I'm drunk, I'm stubborn, and nothing's going to change my mind.

So, yeah, halfway to my house, I realized this was re-tar-ded, and pulled out my phone to call my then-girlfriend (again). I had half of it. I was kind of sober at this point, after about 3 miles of walking, but I was literally at the half-way point. So I continued walking. Being summer, it was hot out, so I took off my shirt and walked the last 3 miles shirtless. I walked right by a police station, but they didn't say anything. When you see a shirtless man walking home at 3 am holding half a cell phone, it's best to just let him keep walking.

Gallimaufry

-I did go to the gym last night. Mark 2.0 does not quit. Unlike Mark 1.0 which was full of quit, Mark 1.3 which never really got started, and Mark 1.7 which was delayed due to any number of technical problems.

-While at the gym tonight, I was watching TruTV (formerly Court TV), and it was a show with people basically being injured in various ways. This pretty much sums up America -- we can't concentrate on watching like, real, live court proceedings, so we shall replace it with people getting hit in the crotch while falling off a pogo stick or a fat chick falling off a Shetland pony (both actual videos). I can't say that both those videos weren't awesome, but damn, isn't that shit on like, every channel? Man, that guy sure did rack his balls on that pogo stick...

-I sing a lot at work, because it is awesome. But tonight, this kid I work with started singing Taylor Swift, and I got really, really pissed. I don't know if I was pissed because he was stepping on my singing toes (I'm the one who sings, fucker) or because Taylor Swift completely sucks balls and isn't funny on even an ironic level. It's probably both. This kid knew like, every word to this song. And he's a theatre kid. Gaze upon me, young man, and look at your future.

-The new Spoon album is pretty great. This should be surprising to no one.

-I got new headphones for Christmas, because my old ones broke and I wanted good headphones upon which to listen to music. So I checked online and found some good ones. They're huge (not a problem), but the chord is like, 20 feet long. I didn't bother to look at that little detail when picking one out. The headphones are sweet (although probably too big for me to use whilst working out), but fuck me, that chord is long. At least I can listen to my iPod from across the room?

-My time in Chicago taught me one thing, Giardiniera is amazing. It's good on anything. I'd eat it straight, but it's too damn hot. Words can't describe how much I miss you, Italian Beef.

Mark 2.0

Part of the rejuvenation of me consists of working out. I haven't worked out with any degree of regularity in over 10 years. So, it is fair to say that I am not in shape. And, last nights first workout confirmed it -- I am not in shape. But whatever, that's part of being American, yes?

Two rules at my new gym made me sad, however. One is a strict "no grunting" policy while working out. How am I supposed to let the other males in the place know how cut and jacked I am without letting out a guttural exclamation every time I throw up another rep? People may question my alpha-male status without such exclamations. I will be breaking that rule.

The second rule is a strict "proper attire required" in the sauna (underneath this sign, it explicitly states, "no nudes") . How am I supposed to have anonymous gay sex in the sauna while wearing "proper attire"? What fascists. Another rule I will most certainly be breaking.

I'm supposed to go work out tonight. Instead, I think I'll just drink red wine and play online poker. Mark 2.0 is in full swing.

Contra

The new Vampire Weekend is out. And it completely blows. Like, really sucks. I don't say this because I hated the first album or hate the band. The first album was fine, and I could give two shits about Vampire Weekend. But damn, Contra is just crap. From the opening strands of "Horchata," this album just makes you want to kill yourself, lest you have to sit through more of this shit. To be fair, "Run" isn't completely terrible. Every other song on this album will make you want to cut your eardrums out with a rusty screwdriver.

If you want world music combined with rock, listen to anything Paul Simon has ever done. Or listen to The Very Best's Warm Heart of Africa. Just please, please don't listen to Contra.

Rock salt

At work, I answered the phone, before the snow storm hit.

-"Hello?"
-"Hello!"
-"Hello..."
-"Hello!"
-"Yes. Hello?"
-(said with thick Indian accent) "Doyouhaverocksalt?"
-"I'm sorry?"
-"Doyouhaverocksalt?"
-"For sidewalks? No, I'm sorry, we don't."
-"It coming! It's coming! It's coming!"
-"Yes, I...
-"It's coming! It's coming! It's coming! It's coming! It's coming!"
-"...but we..."
-"So you do not have rock salt?"
-"No."
-"Goodbye."

Immigrants are funny.