I'd like to hear a funny story...

Most of my friends have heard this story, but I'd like to throw it out in the internet ether, where no one will read it. It's the story of the drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.

So, while out with some friends a few years ago, I was drinking. We began by drinking pomegranate vodka and Champagne. This drink, while sounding quite girly, actually packs quite a punch. And, with most alcoholic drinks that are sweet, I simply pound the shit out of them. "I've had two in the past 10 minutes and I'm still not drunk. Weak! Let's have another!" Yeah, I'm an idiot sometimes.

Anyway, we drink those respective bottles, then head to the bar, where we proceed to drink more beer and shots. While at the bar, a girl who we are with takes my keys because, surprise surprise, I'm fucking hammered. I say this not to brag or sound all fratastic, but rather as a statement of fact -- just loaded.

Fast forward a few hours later back at my friend's apartment. I reach into my pocket to take stock of the various things I've stuffed into them throughout the night (I have an odd habit of putting random things in my pockets -- not shit that I'm stealing or anything, but receipts, bottlecaps, and random things that most people would throw away but I tend to hold onto). So, I'm pulling these things out of my pockets when I realize, I don't have my car keys. Being drunk, I had forgotten giving my keys to this girl (she and the guy she was with had left, but she had given the keys to another friend, and they were with him at the apartment). I pull all this shit out my pockets and look at my friend sitting out the couch.

Now, in my mind, I wanted to tell my friend, "Hey, I appear to have misplaced my car keys. Did I leave them at the bar? Did they somehow fall out of my pocket? Obviously, I'll need those tomorrow when I drive home. I want to make sure I didn't somehow lose them." But, being shithoused, I looked at him, held out my phone and random trash and said, "thisalligot." He just looks at me. "thisalligot!" He begins laughing, because I'm holding trash and a phone, shrugging, and muttering this nonsensical word. "thisalliGOT!" Now I'm getting pissed. Why doesn't he understand exactly what I mean? He's just laughing, harder and harder the more I get pissed off. Fuck this, I'm calling my then-girlfriend to come pick me up. I open my phone.

My phone had had a crack in the LCD screen for some time. It started small, but grew to the point where I couldn't read texts because it took up half the screen. This had been there for about a month, but for whatever reason, seeing this crack at this particular moment pissed me the fuck off. "This is bullshit!" I exclaimed, and threw my phone against the wall, shattering it. "Fuck this, I'm walking." This walk is about 7 miles, from where I was at to my house. But when I'm drunk, I'm stubborn, and nothing's going to change my mind.

So, yeah, halfway to my house, I realized this was re-tar-ded, and pulled out my phone to call my then-girlfriend (again). I had half of it. I was kind of sober at this point, after about 3 miles of walking, but I was literally at the half-way point. So I continued walking. Being summer, it was hot out, so I took off my shirt and walked the last 3 miles shirtless. I walked right by a police station, but they didn't say anything. When you see a shirtless man walking home at 3 am holding half a cell phone, it's best to just let him keep walking.